By Arlene Stepputat, MA
“When grief is expressed and witnessed– listened to– without judgment,
the physical and mental pain lessens and can re-awaken the human spirit.”
~Nathalie, end-of-life doula
Born out of the Covid-19 pandemic, and the desire to be of
service in a time of death unlike anything seen before, the NHPCO
End-of-Life Doula Council began a discussion of how we might be able to
help.
Council members saw firsthand that hospices and other grief
support options were overwhelmed. End-of-life doulas are trained to provide
grief support–this felt like an ideal opportunity to develop a program of
support for hospices and community members.
The premise was simple. Trained and seasoned end-of-life
doulas volunteered to support people grieving due to loss during the pandemic,
whether that was a Covid death or not. Free, confidential, one-on-one sessions
via telephone or Zoom were offered to anyone in the US. Services were available
in English or Spanish.
Thirteen months later, we have 10 volunteer doulas, the
program has received more than 50 requests and each one has been answered. Once
a month the doulas gather to share, make inquiries, and offer new resources.
We asked our doulas to tell us what they experienced and
what they are learning about grief. Here are some of the responses.
The depth of grief that I witnessed
was palatable. Deep profound losses, the kind that change people’s lives,
including my own. Bearing witness to their stories, to their experiences, and
to their grief, allowed me to shed away any feeling of self-pity or martyrdom.
One person described it as “being able to breathe better” after feeling heard.
Personally, bearing witness has allowed me to truly slow down, become fully
present, and become aware that life is truly precious. What a gift it is to be
able to be with another while we journey together in this way, and so grateful
for this grief program to guide the way.
~Lynne- Anne
My grief support was basically to lend a listening ear, in a
non-judgmental fashion; occasionally engaging in conversation when it was
appropriate and welcomed. I have learned to become more comfortable with
expressed anger, and not personalize what was shared. Some of the anger
expressed was directed towards frustration with the medical profession and the
providers who served their loved one who died. I usually waited until about the
third session with my clients before I told them I am an RN with 17 years of
Hospice experience. For some reason, that would usually help to lessen their
anger and resentment.
~Dana
What is evident is that the pandemic so
overloaded the medical system, that expectations for the kind of care one
wanted for a loved one was rarely met given the sheer volume of those in need.
Grief about not being able to be with people as they passed and the rules
imposed to manage the spread of the disease showed up as anger at the system.
I had a client that had experienced a sudden and tragic loss. She had
no one to speak with–not even her partner- as she felt it was a burden to talk
about her loss. Speaking with me, she felt she was in a safe space, which was
non-judgmental and comforting.
~Vicki
I could assess that by the
fourth session, there was a shift in their attitude about their grief process
and finding some meaning in their losses. They all seemed to be trying to
redefine their relationships with the loved one they had lost, and trying to
live into a future without their beloved. All of them still had a desire to try
and control their grief situation, even though they realize their losses are an
uncontrollable situation.
~Dana
The doulas provided a loving presence that allowed all
expression. People could finally give voice to thoughts and feelings that were
being kept inside.
For each of us, the awareness and expression of our grief can make us
more authentic. Grief teaches us how to be present and centered, how to let go;
it teaches us how to value life and death.
I have learned that grief is a universal yet extremely personal
combination of emotions: raw, numbing, physical, visceral, that needs to be
felt fully.
~ Nathalie
It has been said that particularly in our Western culture,
we are grief ‘illiterate’. It is time that we all learned that holding
another’s grief is beyond cards, Kleenex, and casseroles. We must learn the art
of tending grief. We must start with our own and then as we continue our
healing, we can better hold space for one another.
Here’s one final
reflection:
I have learned that keeping an open mind is the best way forward.
I have learned that community is an essential ingredient in the grief
recipe.
I have learned that holding space for others and for myself (without
trying to fix anything) is the most loving way to handle grief.
I have learned there are NO experts in grief: I am always a student.
I have learned that sharing one's grief is as important as bearing
witness to one's grief.
I have found that
grief needs to be listened to - more so than responded to.
I have learned that most often all that is needed is a warm blanket and a hug.
I have learned that grief is a non-linear journey.
~Rai
With the support of NHPCO, the COVID 19 Grief Project was
launched in February of 2021 and continues today. Go to nhpco.org/doula-grief-support
to learn more.
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Arlene Stepputat, MA, is an end-of-life doula, a hospice
chaplain and minister and a certified Advanced Care Planning Facilitator. She
holds a Master’s Degree from Columbia University in Family and Community
Education and a Master’s in Theology from Peace Theological Seminary. Arlene is
a member of the NHPCO End-of-Life Doula Advisory Council. Her website is https://dyingingrace.com.
